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Today is Just as Good as Tomorrow and Tomorrow is Just as Good as Monday 

 

This is not me. Nor is it a realistic portrayal of anyone actually meditating.

 
Read that title again. Bam. Mind blown, right? You’re welcome. And yes, you can quote me. 

Okay, so it didn’t really come from me and the idea isn’t completely unique, either. A friend who’s a personal trainer said it to me when we were talking about my exercise regimen. In the spirit of full disclosure, I should say that I’ve since lied to her a few times about having accomplished said regimen, when in fact, I’ve done nothing. Though I haven’t reaped the benefits as of yet, what she said really stuck with me, and though I don’t recall her exact quote, it’s turned into what I’ve written in the title: Today is just as good as tomorrow and tomorrow is just as good as Monday. 

I’m pretty sure it has something to do with not being a perfectionist. Or not putting off things that are important. Or something. 

Like I said, this hasn’t yet inspired me to start exercising (Though, I will. I’m starting Monday. I kid, I kid.), but it has inspired me. Oddly enough, that and a post I read on Elephant Journal (I’m not going to link it today because I’ve already read my 3 free articles for the day. If I remember, I’ll come back and link it. It’s definitely better reading than this post.) has inspired me to start meditating. Now. As in, I just did. For all of 5 minutes. On a Tuesday. #winning

I’m embarking on a journey that has been long overdue and that has been on my mind for some time. My soul is not at peace. And I don’t mean the sort of peace that comes with enlightenment or anything. I mean, I am not okay. Im not okay with God, with life, or with myself. I don’t handle stress well. I’m having major physical problems and lack the will power to do anything to change what’s causing the problems. I’m impatient and out-of-control. And I’m spiraling. Furthermore, if I’m really honest, I don’t know how much more I can take. I haven’t actually thought about killing myself, as the idea of leaving my children without their mother makes me want to climb into bed with each of them right now and kiss every inch of their beautiful selves, but I know that those thoughts will come if I let this go on. I’m stuck in all the horrible traps that most people in this modern age are (according to any hippie magazine, at least): addictive behaviors, inflammatory diet, wallowing in negativity, excessive self-involvement/ego and anger. I’m angry at myself, at my husband, my son and daughter, my parents, my friends, strangers I pass on the street, but most of all, I think, I’m angry at God. 

So, I’ve been slowly working my way up to doing something about it. And I really do mean slowly. But that’s okay. Because today is also as good as yesterday, I hear. Okay, I’ve never heard that and just made it up, but I’m sure it’s also true. 

So here we go. 30 days of meditating. NO EXCUSES. No judgment, no expectations and no dogma (of my own invention). 

How did the first night go, you ask? Well, I’ve already learned one thing: the bedroom of your child who has a cold is not the best location to choose. Every sniffle and cough had me opening my eyes, no matter what I told myself about letting sleeping babies lie (Or something. I’m continuing with the cliché theme.). 

Beyond that, I felt a bit silly and yet really amazing for doing it. Just the act of sitting and straightening my back into proper posture felt like the promise of relief to come. 

I tried to delve into love. I realized, if I know what I’m missing – this joyful, unconditional true love that I can almost imagine, then that means I must have felt it before. Which means it’s real. Which maybe means God is real and perhaps He hasn’t abandoned me. 

Anyway, nothing too deep to report. I basically started writing this post in my head about 30 seconds in and kept trying to bring my attention back to my breath… But I sort of wish I hadn’t because what I wrote then is waaaay better than what I’m writing now. Regardless, I shall continue. For 29 more days. 

Not Monday, but tomorrow. 

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Back to Reality?

Well, my last post was a bit depressing – even to read back! However, I think it led to me really focusing my attention on my health in general, which can only be a good thing, right?

Since writing that last post, not much has changed in terms of my relationship with the hubs, but I think when focusing only on the negatives, anything can sound horrible. All of those things are true, but not necessarily all the time and more importantly, there are countless other things that are true as well. Those are the things I’m extremely grateful for and the things that I need to focus on in future. I am so fearful that if I ignore a ‘problem’, it will turn into a bigger issue. Basically, what that ultimately means is that I don’t have faith in my husband or what we have. How horrible is that? After seven years together, two (almost) children and a thousand daily reminders of how much he loves me and how committed he is to me, our family and our life together, I need to really keep things in the proper perspective.

To be honest, I think a major part of what I need to focus on is frankly a simple perspective shift. What will that take on my part? Ultimately, I think it comes down to yoga and meditation. I know that in the past, when I focus on clearing my mind with those things, well, it works! Beyond that, I need to stop anticipating problems, dwelling on negatives and being so hard on myself and my husband, in general. Again, though, I do know that yoga and meditation help with that as well.

Like most things, I don’t know how to start. I have an idea of ‘meditation’, but it’s all based on my experiences growing up in my religion. Growing up in Self Realization Fellowship, I definitely have both positives and negatives associated with meditation, God and my own spirituality in general. Unfortunately, the negatives have been weighing heavily on me for quite some time and I have felt uncomfortable with the very thought of meditation and spirituality, even so far as feeling abandoned by God and Guru.

I’ve felt this for so long that I never stopped to question whose God had abandoned me and whose beliefs I was questioning. I have always known my own heart and mind and I believe I do now as well, I’ve just been too caught up in hang-ups from the past. It’s time to let those go and focus on myself and my future, in more ways than simply my spirituality.

That, of course, leads me to this point and how to begin again.