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Postpartum

I really didn’t think postpartum depression would be an issue for me – mainly because I’m already depressed. How could you have two forms of depression? Well, it turns out, you can. Postpartum, it seems, is much more physical. Or perhaps that’s just because it’s anxiety? Really, I don’t even know how to write about this because I don’t even know how to feel about it. Frankly, I don’t understand how to even feel it, let alone analyze or describe it. It’s new, and different. And with my history of depression and anxiety, I wasn’t expecting that. I was completely sidelined.

People keep saying to me that I’m just being too hard on myself and expecting perfection and having two kids is supposed to be hard. I know that it is. But, even though the boy is in Kita, I still can’t seem to function. Even though the girl sleeps pretty well at night, I still don’t seem rested and up to the task of caring for them. My nerves are on edge. Just a little whine or cry sets me off and I am horrified to find myself thinking about shaking her or throwing her or punching him or just leaving them on the train platform and walking away. Now, scary as that may sound (and believe me, it scares me), I know that I’m still “together” enough not to actually do those things. But it is still pretty scary. And horrible. I look at their little faces and my heart breaks because I love them so much that I just can’t.

I wake up and try to prepare myself to have a good day. After all, I’m pretty lucky. My husband takes the wild child to school every morning so that I can sleep in with the baby. I have a cleaner that comes once a week. My husband will also pick up the slack in the evenings: he makes dinner, he cleans the kitchen, and takes over caring for the boy. Literally ALL I have to do is get out of the house around midday to pick up the boy, get home, put him down for a nap and put on a movie when he wakes up (or better yet, actually play with him, but that’s another level entirely). That’s it. I should be able to handle that. And some days I can. Occasionally I can even do it without breaking down and crying.

But most days, she doesn’t cooperate. Or he doesn’t. She would usually fall asleep on the way to pick him up – Great! Then, there is something about his school that wakes her up. Always. So I try to put his coat on and get him out the door as quickly as possible so that the movement of the stroller/carrier (I’m willing to try anything) will lull her back to sleep quickly so that I can give some attention to poor little boy who I love so much I start crying just thinking about it. However, said beautiful little boy rarely cooperated. He would lag. He would stop to look at sticks. He would try and run in puddles. It would be raining and of course he won’t carry his umbrella or keep his hood up. It would end in her screaming and then him screaming as well, seemingly trying to match her in volume, all to get my attention.

I bought a double stroller. That solved the problem with him, yet she still wakes up and cries and then he cries. And then I cry. On the train. In public. In the rain.

Often, she falls asleep again before we get home and I put him to bed fine and honestly, the rest of the day could proceed well. But it doesn’t. Because that in and of itself is enough to completely destroy me. I’m shattered for the rest of the day. So that when, during our movie (AKA my minimal parenting time), she wakes up and I have to feed her, I sob when he looks at her and moves slightly away. Then of course, he starts crying and saying, “Stop, mommy. Stop. It’s OK. Stop, mommy.”, which just makes me cry all the more.

Those are good days. When she sleeps. When it isn’t raining or snowing so much that taking her out isn’t just ridiculous.

I’m so tired. My body feels slack, like there is nothing holding my shoulders up above my back and head up on my neck. I have actually body aches like flu symptoms and searing headaches.The instant the baby cries, I start having a panic attack. Yet I try my best to smile at my boy and tell him it’ll be fine and that his baby sister just cries sometimes and that that is OK. And it is in that trying that I lose it. It is somehow that trying that is too much for my heart.

Apparently my husband, who doesn’t understand at all and who is getting more and more frustrated with me and with whom I have resorted to communicating with in either passive aggressive or defensive snaps and snarls, was worried enough to call my mom. So she flew out. Which helps, in that I now have time to sit here and drink tea and write this while someone else tries to put my two beautiful children to sleep. And I’m eating much better. But I’m still crying. And I the baby crying or fussing still makes me so anxious, my stomach hurts. And my little boy’s face still breaks my heart.

I have called my midwife and emailed a therapist. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow, but I don’t have a lot of hope that this will be cleared up. And I really worry about what it’s doing to my marriage.

But then, I worry about everything.

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Back to Reality?

Well, my last post was a bit depressing – even to read back! However, I think it led to me really focusing my attention on my health in general, which can only be a good thing, right?

Since writing that last post, not much has changed in terms of my relationship with the hubs, but I think when focusing only on the negatives, anything can sound horrible. All of those things are true, but not necessarily all the time and more importantly, there are countless other things that are true as well. Those are the things I’m extremely grateful for and the things that I need to focus on in future. I am so fearful that if I ignore a ‘problem’, it will turn into a bigger issue. Basically, what that ultimately means is that I don’t have faith in my husband or what we have. How horrible is that? After seven years together, two (almost) children and a thousand daily reminders of how much he loves me and how committed he is to me, our family and our life together, I need to really keep things in the proper perspective.

To be honest, I think a major part of what I need to focus on is frankly a simple perspective shift. What will that take on my part? Ultimately, I think it comes down to yoga and meditation. I know that in the past, when I focus on clearing my mind with those things, well, it works! Beyond that, I need to stop anticipating problems, dwelling on negatives and being so hard on myself and my husband, in general. Again, though, I do know that yoga and meditation help with that as well.

Like most things, I don’t know how to start. I have an idea of ‘meditation’, but it’s all based on my experiences growing up in my religion. Growing up in Self Realization Fellowship, I definitely have both positives and negatives associated with meditation, God and my own spirituality in general. Unfortunately, the negatives have been weighing heavily on me for quite some time and I have felt uncomfortable with the very thought of meditation and spirituality, even so far as feeling abandoned by God and Guru.

I’ve felt this for so long that I never stopped to question whose God had abandoned me and whose beliefs I was questioning. I have always known my own heart and mind and I believe I do now as well, I’ve just been too caught up in hang-ups from the past. It’s time to let those go and focus on myself and my future, in more ways than simply my spirituality.

That, of course, leads me to this point and how to begin again.

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It’s all someone else’s fault… (1)

It’s all someone else’s fault and I’m grateful for that! It really takes the stress off…

(photo taken from laughingwithlizzie.blogspot.com)

(photo taken from laughingwithlizzie.blogspot.com)

1. Mr. Darcy

I’ll start with one that’s quite common. I hereby acknowledge that Mr. Darcy (or, really, I suppose, Jane Austen) is responsible for all my past failings in romance and also for the ridiculous expectations I continue to place on my wonderful, loving husband.

I grew up sighing and dreaming of the day my prince would come (you have to sing that like Snow White) – and no, technically, Mr. Darcy is not a prince, but he has that accent… Because of him (and Disney in general), I expected: tingling looks across crowded rooms, casual brushings of hands sending shocks through my veins, and of course, in the end, the absolute certainty that the man I chose to marry absolutely adored me to the depth and breadth of his very being. What did I get? Well, my husband does have the accent… And he sure is a prideful jerk sometimes…

Before my husband, I dated boys that stirred that Capital-R-Romantic vision in me: they wrote me poetry and stood below my window and sang me songs through their drunken tears. Keyword there: drunken. Yeah, I don’t need to talk about why those relationships didn’t work. Like I said, I blame Mr. Darcy.

I’ve been married now for 2 years to a man who has never contemplated writing me poetry in his life and who absolutely does not consider standing outside in the rain waiting for a glimpse of me, to be romantic in any way. To be honest, he’s got a point (Hello, stalker.). My husband is content, but he is rarely ecstatic. I’m pretty sure he would actually say that the entire concept of being ecstatic was made up by Americans. He might have a point there as well.

So, he’s never gloriously happy or joyful, but he’s also never in “the depths of despair”, to quote a girl who would know exactly what I’m talking about. He’s rarely moody, he never wakes up unable to get out of bed and he’s rarely unsure of himself, me or us.

What does that leave? Contentment. Day-to-day, it’s a wonderful concept. However, it’s also an emotion that I had never even conceived of before, as I gravitated between horribly depressed and deliriously happy both in my own life and in the relationships I chose. So here I am, with this amazing man and wonderful father who gives me something I’ve never had before: an easy (relatively speaking), drama-free, contended life. And what do I do with it? I pick him apart for not being like all those idiots I dated before; it’s as if while missing the adventure, I have forgotten all about the screaming and the fighting.

Here’s the thing I never noticed about the book, the film or the man himself: Mr. Darcy was exactly like that, too. It’s what drove Elizabeth crazy about him at the beginning, besides his generally being insufferable, a word one must use at least once when discussing Pride & Prejudice. What the story shows is that Elizabeth realizes she’s been silly and desires the substance over the image and then all is changed and they are happy. The end. In real life, I have to have this realization every day. Sometimes multiple times every day. Sometimes I don’t have the realization, and that leads to a fight, in which I scream, stomp about and gesticulate like a mad woman all the while my husband stays calm and collected and… content. 

So maybe I’ve disproved my point? Hm… It’s still Mr. Darcy’s fault. 

And just because, the final marriage proposal (Note: mine was in french toast):

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Happy Birthday to Me

While I am writing this, it is not only pouring down rain, it is storming. I mean a full-on thunder, lightening, dark grey sky sort of storm. I should be happily cuddled up watching Harry Potter (I don’t care how many times I watch those movies, whenever the weather turns stormy, it’s like the first time all over again). Instead, I am staring at the computer, which never makes me happy or grateful. I am reading horrible drama-filled posts on Baby Center (Yes, I know. I should get a life. Thank you.), playing Candy Crush and once again, eating cheese in my pajamas. Seriously, do I have a protein deficiency or something (or is cheese just awesome – note to self: I am very grateful for cheese)??

I don’t know why I’ve been so negative lately. My husband took me out to dinner on Saturday for my birthday (his sister is visiting and stayed home to watch the wild one, who was a very good boy) and instead of being grateful (Damn it! Missed opportunity!), we got in an argument on the way home which basically boils down to me feeling angry at him and down on myself but most of all, confused and overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed by my sadness and negativity, if that makes sense. I’m overwhelmed at the amount of things there are to do and overwhelmed by how difficult even the simplest thing is because we don’t speak the language of the country in which we live. I’m confused about whether or not my husband is being a jerk or I’m just being über sensitive.

It seems that not a day goes by without some little argument with him. Are they serious? Not really. But are they troubling? Yes. I told him on Saturday that I was thinking about counseling. Of course, he thinks that is something that the Americans invented just to be more self-involved nancies.

I am worried, though, because the last time I felt angry like this was because I was severely depressed. We lived in Barcelona and I wanted to leave. I was done with it there, I wanted to be home with my family and friends and I couldn’t because I didn’t want to leave this man that I was dating. I loved him and wanted to give us a chance. I’m very grateful that I did, because now we are married with an amazing little boy. However, we didn’t move home. We moved to Germany. And here I am again, three years later, desperately wanting to be home with my family and friends.

We are in the process of finding out what it takes to get us home (well, to my home) – but of course moving countries without a job and a plan in place at the other end is stupid, so it is going to take some time. But in the meantime, how do I deal with this huge amount of negativity that is just crushing me? How do I hold on for another year?